The Goliard Online - Reviews, opinion, complaints, original writing, analysis, humor, and pith
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Atwater Responds This came to us in an email that went unnoticed for several days because it was sent from an ashram in Helena, Montana and we all assumed it was a more enlightened life-form trying to help us to find our inner peace. It reads as follows: "I don't see why I must be the butt of all the jokes around the staff room. I looked good in leather pants in the 80s, and I look even better in them today. Unlike the rest of you lay-abouts I keep my posterior Looking Fine with regular aerobics and stair master time. No one complains that Mick Jagger is running around in skin tight pants so lay off. Alright, it was criminal to attack this glorious hair by shaving it into a Mohawk, but who hasn't made a bad choice about a hairstyle? And I keep telling you, I WAS NOT ARRESTED in Philadelphia, I was politely asked to cease dancing to "Philadelphia Freedom" in Fairmont Park and to remove the Ben Franklin wig and glasses. And it was very nice of the street vendor to give me a knock-off Sixers uniform to wear, I think it was his way of showing appreciation for my performance and not because his daughters were watching me. The facts are that Ben would have been way more comfortable in a red white and blue thong and sleeveless t-shirt from the Oldest Zoo in America. He would have encouraged my inspired glorification of the Liberty Bell through interpretive dance and my display of Bicentennial Pride should have been a news highlight. I now know that all of you are stealing my Ipswich, since you're all a bunch of deadbeats and none of you ever buys anything more expensive than Coors for the staff room. I have learned from mediation and relaxation and a chat with the nice lady behind the counter at the Motel 6 on Prospect Avenue that after 2 beers I am totally wasted and hung for a day so I do not drink a 12 pack every other day. I also could not possibly eat two peezas, because I would not be able to button my 501s, and I never drink carbonated soft drinks except an occasional Tab. Maggie is right here with me
learning to channel her enthusiasm and energy into finding inner
peace and pretending to be an assistance dog so she can attend
movies with me. The dog is a babe magnet. I would like to know where
you found those yellow capris; does the store have a website? And
WHEN is it going to be fashionable for men to wear capris and show
off their calves in such a dignified style?" Link to original story about The Atwaters
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