Dear Aussie,

It seems like most people think that Aussies are generally pretty worthless. Here's an excerpt from a column we may have just read online somewhere; 

"Australian men judged lame and incompetent" - Associated Press

In the latest study released by a private Queensland firm, Australian males were judged to be among the lamest in the world surpassing former front runners Tobago and Kurdistan. A sampling of local business people seemed to concur. "Australian men are just really weak in almost every way," stockbroker Corrina Dungsten Dunns said when asked to comment on the matter as she was taking a lunch time walk in the park near her office. "They’re a windy bunch first of all aren’t they? But do they ever really accomplish anything other than blowing steam? A resounding no is what I say." Ms. Dunns was not alone in her disdain for males hailing from the land Down Under. "Aussies in general don’t seem all that brilliant," hot dog vendor Craig Bukowski said as he slathered some kruat on a paper boated wiener and handed it to a pimpled youth. "But the men are particularly unaccomplished. I mean when was the last time you heard of an invention or movie or a sports star or damn, name anything for that matter, that came out of Australia. They seem to be good at copying things from other cultures and then complaining when the downside of the things they steal come to light. The whining after they didn’t win as many medals as expected in the Olympics was unbearable." The youth purchasing the hot dog threw in his two cents. "Seems to me like the few I've met think they can get by with anything cuz they have a cool accent."

Well little guy. What do you make of that?

You fargin ship soaked dip wiping dag! You bleedin cur sniffing cow tipping American pussy. I should come down off this shelf and wipe yer arse ya godless pile a suckass. Besides I was born in New Zealand you puss filled...

Ok, then here's another column we found.

New Zealanders voted most ineffectual – Reuters

In a study commissioned by the University of Chicago, New Zealand males were judged to be the most ineffectual in the world surpassing even the French. The study examined the business practices of men around the world and asked their peers to give them a rating based on such qualities as fairness, facility and accomplishment. New Zealanders finished last in every category. "I’ve never met anyone from there that I would even hire to start down in the mailroom." Corporate comptroller John Perry commented when reached by phone. "They’re all likeable as Hell sure but they just seem to lack initiative as a group. And you’ll never find a sloppier more disorganized people." Management consultant Edgar Janks agreed. "They’re lazy as the day is long when it comes to getting anything done that actually matters. If somebody rents a blue movie or orders up a keg though they sure spring into action then."

How about that then?

Why you sack of moldy dog crappin piece of codfish chunder! You skunk sniffing pitlicking anal pore. I oughtta come straight off and ram you with a bag of suck nose cum dripping wad of horse shit. You filthy heap of god awful...

Ok, Ok, settle down. If you don't stop the cussing we're going to have to put you in a time out. We realize you must be upset and embarrassed about your Olympic performance watching all your countrymen get blown out of the pool but you've got to be a little more civilized. Don't make us dunk you in the toilet again.

Olympics!?!?! We won everything. Our girls team, the Thorpedo, our divers, our softball, our baseball! Baseball for god's sake. Where were the bleedin Americans in the baseball tourney?

The only baseball players in the Olympics are the ones not good enough to be making any money playing the game. Of course the Aussies did well in that tourney. Everyone else who is any good is playing pro ball. And softball? They scored one run off our girls during the entire tournament. And swimming? Every time we looked they were playing the Star Spangled Banner and some Aussie was standing behind sucking hind teat. Besides, isn't there a Olympic sized pool in every little town and miles of pristine coastline over there. Most of the people here can't even swim and we still dominated. Here, look at this article we were just reading.

Aussies pretty much sub-par at most endeavors - UPI

"Recent research from an international think tank has revealed that Australians come up short in nearly every category. They can't cook, aren't good sportsmen, weren't judged particularly attractive, are poor lovers, and tend to offend the senses of the world's refined in many other subtle yet memorable ways. The main areas in which they stand out in any capacity seem to involve the consumption of alcohol and contraction of venereal diseases both which they pursue at nearly five times the world's average rate. An interview with one of the think tank's elder statesmen revealed some interesting background. "Basically we set out to try to strip away stereotypes and concentrate on how globalization of the economy is rendering cultures more similar than different. We found the general trends heading in that direction of course, with the exception being that the Australian people seem to be bucking the trend by being less adaptable. In fact they seem to be "devolving" and becoming more uncouth and foul then some of the countries with far less in the way of resources per capita. We are commissioning a study to look into suspicions that overexposure to the sun may be responsible since many of the same alarming traits were noticed in the American Texan and the Iraqi Shiite which both are peoples that see more than their share of ultraviolet rays."

Listen here you arse smelling drybag of a corpse wiping loony tune. I'll drop down and cut yer fuggin ass with a....

Now now now. You simply must calm down little fella. Don't make us prop you out in the sun again without your little nose cote on.

Prior Aussie Advice