Dear Aussie,

I really feel that I should get some sort of commitment before agreeing to sleep with a woman. What is wrong with me?  Ahab - Jewsback, NY

What the flippen Hell? First of all tell us yer criking real name and where yer really from. Thir ain't a place called Jewsback even in Australia where place names er as daffy as they bleeding come. But ta yer question Ahab. I may just be a wankin lil plastic doll but me my ownself tried a spell where I asked meself ter stay out of the bedroom at least until a Sheila can make a bloody commitment for once and not go runnin down the cobble like some village bike ta suck on the next pecker sticken out a bleedin mail slot. I was 'opefully even tryin to find me some marriage material for a spell. However the dollys I was a meetin were so chuffing fake and plastic like that I got tired of wankin and now ya can bet yer arse I just pork away. However I'm a firm up believer that findin' out sexual compatibility prior to takin the plunge shouldn't be a requirement. I cannot faffom bein' in luv and then lettin' performance in bed be the chuffin' decidin' factor! Struth! That stance there'll make it wiping difficult ter ask bints out, right, as some of these malley roots are always demandin an early sexual relationship. So stick ter ya principles and let go of this anxiety and have a hit at the hussies without sinkin the putt. I mean sexual compatibility ain't just about performance in the criking armoir anyhoo Ahab. The bloody mechanics of sex are just that - bloody mechanics (hopefully  not too bloody though mate lest yer sticken things in the wrong places). Do this, do that, put this 'ere and touch that and keep yer pecker up. These are fings that can be learned from Cocker Spaniels fer blimey's sake and from teachin' each uvver wot yer wantin and not a wantin.. Wen two blokes luv each uvver, are committed ter the spankin time together, have good communication skills, and are ballsy ter discuss the bleedin' intimate details of their sexual needs, sex usually works fine. But let me say that given the rounds of the kitchen about the in and out is often more challengin' than actually doin' it. Right. That's cuz we live in a society in wich the frank, right, open chat of the blimen pork is considered back water. Sexually explicit advertisin', as well as television and movies wich display promiscuous behavior, are bleedin rainen down yet a bloke can't just come out and say to a bint lets you and I have a lay in the hay. This is a terribly mixed message wich we are only beginnin' ter sort out. Meanwile, right, many couples just loaf of bread for the bedroom and figure they’ll rabbit and pork later, sumfink wich is usually a big mistake. Sexual compatibility is mostly about chemistry. Wot yer want ter 'ave a look for is the chuffin' electricity between yer - that yer feel passionate about each uvver and about the relationship, init? The strong desire ter be intimate and ter deepen yor connection is wot empowers yer as a couple ter work out yor issues, includin' the ones that come up about strappin on the old back wanker. This yer can explore, right, as Jack dog in the bush says, right, wiv yer bleedin kilt open. By puttin' off sex until yer 'ave a commitment, right, yer open the possibility for practicin' meaningful communication about sex, as yer express yor values and set appropriate boundaries wiv the cows yer plannin to snoggle. Additionally, it gives yer the bloody necessary time ter develop yor relationship connection wivout the distortions that can occur wen yer become sexual before yor in luv. I encourage yer ter hold fast ter this, right, and ter trust that a right partner for yer will 'ave no Barney Rubble respectin' yor position and will be aligned wiv yer bleeding needs. On the other hand I advise ye also to put the cob to the next Barbie ya see just to prove yer a bleedin real man and not a small plastic doll on a goddamn shelf writin for wankers.

Prior Aussie Advice