Hey Aussie,

I'm a female grad student. When we travel to research sites and meetings, my prof's grant will pay for two double rooms for us students, two to a room. But I'm the only woman in the group. Eeeeeek! I don't want to share a room with a strange man -- even a fellow researcher. What should I do? HA - Utica, NY

Oi HA,

Com'on ya bleedin fishwife lighten up and quit packin' polenta. Yer can't be serious! Gordon Bennett do you dink yol catch the bleedin lurgy or be thought a malley root. Alright if yer a fearin I s'pose maybe oo should tell yor professor 'ow uncomfortable yor wiv the bloody current arrangements and ask for a room of yor own so as yor can tend to yer chuffin duff. I'll get out me spoons. Also, most 'otels will bloody well bring in an extra cot, if requested, wich would allow yer yor privacy and, at the bleedin' same time, Chas'n'Dave yor professor the bleedin' expense of an additional room by bunkin' 3 men togeffer (they could even rotate 'oo 'as ter triple so it's fair ter all the bleedin pricks who is probably camp as a row of tents anyhoo). I don't spot how yor professor could refuse an offer such as that an yo can keep er mind on a yakka en no worries bout gettin shagged in da night lessen yer want oo.

Dear Aussie

My girlfriend isn't all that fancy looking but I like hanging out with her anyway. Any advice?  IK - New Bedford, MA

Oi IK,

I used ter fink me own girlmucker were a plain Shiela. She 'as always been intelligent and simple, nuffink a take er feller fo a burn. So I's uses the reverese an I tells her she's  quite attractive wivout makeup, right, but she seems ter be laggin' behind in the bloomin' effort department. On us first dinner and movie date, right, she showed up in a pair of worn jeans, right worn sneakers and an undersized 'ooded jacket that she seemed ter have 'ad since 'igh school. By last January fings were great and all there were a bit of chemistry, we felt right bonded, right, had a bit of similarities and o'course the chuffin' differences. A few monffs hammer and tack I grew uneasy, right, because sudnly she's copping too muckerly wiv 'er ex (a wanker wid no great shakes). I started ter notice, but didn't want ter create much fuss. It weren't until me mates and even 'er muckers made a big deal out of the fink until I started ter get right annoyed and stuff, right? It were partly jealousy, theys would even  tickle each uvver's feet and all in the bliming trolley! Honest Bruce! And wotmore I were there right in the middle of a friggin career move. I felt like a fool, right, my mates even gave me sympaffeic smiles evrytime stuff like this 'appened. So my plan is as follers. I tell 'er 'ow beautiful she 'ave a looks ter you lot the time, made up and dressed up or gahn casual, and gently tell 'er 'ow wen she's dressed ter the hilt, how it right brings out 'er Mae West features (namin' a few would be a nice touch as well for example, eye makeup applied tastefully brings out the bleedin' colour or shape of yer mince pies.) Then wen she DOES 'ave a look stunnin', make an effort ter compliment 'er even more than usual, and show 'er 'ow attracted yor to 'er 'ave a lookin' 'er Mae West wiv extra kisses, hugs, and even grapplin her down fer a boink. Positive reinforcement works wonders! Honest guv! but I can't fer the arse of me figger how to stop her from droppin er daks  fer er ex! Quit cher whinin and fob off is my advice until yer walked a mile in The Aussie's shoes."

Prior Aussie Advice