The Terridactyl on Travel from the Goliard Online

As I promised you I would in my previous post, I headed out recently to Yosemite National Park. I was hoping for a "back to nature" experience that would cleanse my mind and purify my soul but unfortunately, there were a pack of kids along so I knew this was right out the window before we even left town. I did enjoy myself quite a bit once we got there though and it was nice to breathe a crisp air replete with pine needles and do some really tremendous climbs. Not as tremendous as the guys climbing up the face of El Capitan (right) though mind you! We had a picnic beneath them right after we got to the park and got to lie on our backs afterwards watching as different groups of them moved up the rock face like little ants. I really can't fathom what it must be like to dangle on a string like that for three days clutching to a megalith by my fingertips and sleeping in a bag swinging in the air. What do they do if they have to pee? I didn't think of this as I was lying there beneath them! The whole thing got me thinking that it seems like every time I go and do something that I find exhilarating, (like hiking Yosemite) somebody else is nearby doing something ridiculous that I'm sure is exhilarating for them but would be totally out of the question for me. Cliff divers, naked runners, extreme rock climbers. It definitely makes me wonder why anyone would want to read about my exploits when they seem so pedestrian compared to the absolute lunatics out there. I wonder if any of them are writing about their adventures on a silly website. Anyways they can all "toss off." I say toss off because I listened to a book on tape during the drive over on my IPOD called "A Long Way Down," and one of the characters kept saying things like "He's a bit of a tosser, isn't he." It's a good book by Nick Hornby and you should read it if you can, or better yet, listen to it since it's told from four points of view and read by four different English actors that really add a bunch to the story with their "tosser" this and "slapper" that. I was calling some of the kids on the trip "tossers" and "slappers" until one of the other chaperones informed me that he was pretty sure the first meant chronic masturbator and the second promiscuous slut. That put an end to that practice right quick didn't it? It wouldn't surprise me if some parent or other was giving me a call about it soon. Anyway, on to Yosemite National Park!

I'd never hiked Yosemite before like I got the chance to on this field trip. I'd been there a couple times with Mom but we basically did some little side hikes and stayed in the car a lot for the most part. There were 20 students and 8 adults that headed over this time and we all took off in little groups and some of us ended up doing some pretty tough climbs. My legs were shot after the first day. Totally Jello. Knees felt 80 and arthritic. I know I'm getting older but come on! I didn't notice the kids complaining too much.
	Our first little jaunt was hiking up to Sentinel Point and playing in the snow. The view from up there was awesome and the kids had fun firing little hand packed ice missiles at each other. One of the other guides took a ice ball to the side of the head and then a plunge backwards and slid down over the side which was pretty funny until it looked like he might actually keep going right out of sight! It would have been alright with me in a way since he was a bit of a tosser. It really is going to be hard to stop saying that. Although maybe I don't have to just yet since I think it might be an accurate description in this case.
On the second day we made it up to a place called Upper Yosemite Falls, and this is the view from the top. YOU HAVE NOT LIVED until you've hiked to the top of a set of Yosemite waterfalls. I don't know how high up we were, but it felt like the top of the world. I thought my legs were feeling better until I had to use a whole new set of muscles on the way down. By that night, I could barely squat over one of those splintery outhouse toilets or kneel by the campfire to stir the stew.
	Here are a couple of my hiking buddies. Both Judy's big toenails turned green and her toes swelled to twice their normal size. The trails were some of the hardest I've done to date, but on the blister front I didn't get a single one. Strange considering I didn't even go out and spend a bunch of cash on new hiking boots like most of the others. I just wore my old basketball shoes.
Each adult was in a tent with three or four kids. I got the yappy 8th grade girls who of course wanted to gossip until after midnight about all the shagging they would eventually be doing and what it would be like to pull down the trousers of this boy and that. I just listened and didn't tell them anything about how lame the boys were probably going to end up being when they became men figuring they'd realize it on their own soon enough. In any case, the tents in the background were our frigid accommodations, and the bear lockers were our breakfast hangout.
	One night after the girls fell asleep I crept out to get some quiet and alone time and made my way over to the Yosemite lodge bar which I had seen during the day and wanted to check out. My time there didn't end up being all that quiet or alone though since I soon found myself throwing back some beers and shots of whiskey with this lesbian biker group that had rolled into town from Reno. One of them tied her neck kerchief on me and we went horsing around on the rocks outside after the bar closed. A good time was had by all until a couple of them got a little too friendly and grabby. I'm not a prude or anything but I can't really see myself going off into the woods with some female slappers at this stage in the game. No matter how much JD I've had.
This is what the lodge looks like during the day. It's a beautiful spot and pretty pricey from what I understand. A friend of mine is renting it out to get married in the fall and I might go check that out although we're supposed to book our own rooms and all so I might sing a different tune when it comes to slapping down the price of basically a whole vacation somewhere else just to see someone tie the knot. That's if she even goes through with the wedding. She's a bit of a slapper if you want to know the truth and her ways may catch up with her long before October.
	A big highlight of my trip was something called the "Mist Trail" It sounds pleasant I know but is actually a total misnomer since it should be called the Torrent Trail, or the Few Get Out Alive Trail, or the Icy Downpour, or the Fire Hose. You can't tell in these pictures how soaked or how close I really am to this powerful waterfall. Indescribably invigorating!
On one of the side hikes we came across a family of the famous Yosemite bears. A mother and two cubs. I didn't see papa around which would be typical wouldn't it? Smokey the wanker. Anyway we were quite a ways away across this meadow and were enjoying watching the cubs frolic and roll around in the grass. We'd been told by the rangers to steer clear of any bears we encountered of course especially any cubs but we seemed at a safe distance. Suddenly however the momma must have heard one of the little tossers carrying on or something and swung her huge head our way. I snapped one last picture and herded up the girls and high-tailed it back down the trail towards the van. When I looked back Ma Bear was sort of loping in our direction but I don't think we lost anyone.
	DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE OLD AND DECREPIT before you try doing some hiking in this magnificent national park. It's been especially impressive lately due to a record amount of rain and snow this season. I'd subject myself to this form of torture again in a heartbeat!! Again, I can't tell you how close this waterfall actually was. Anyways, that's about it from Yo So Mite. I'll get back at you in a couple of weeks with another so called adventure. In the mean time I think I'm going to read about some of these rock climbers and see if I can figure out what possesses them. I have my suspicions that they are all in the business of compensating for some other short coming in their lives although I won't expect them to admit it. I'll have to read between the lines. Until next time then you tossers. See Ya!