The Goliard Online - Reviews, opinion, complaints, original writing, analysis, humor, and pith

the Goliard
Tucson Movie Reviews


the Goliard
Current Issue
Prior Issues
Contact Us
Writing a %#$*! Letter
Adventures of Tar-man
Movie Man
Our Man
Original Writings
Books and Book Lists
Culinary Reviews
A Correspondence
To No Avail Slaps the Tail
Millennium Mélange

The Goliard's Own MovieManThe Movie Man - Done

As if sneaking into the theater of our lives, the Movie Man has come and gone. It goes without saying that he leaves in his irresponsible wake a void that will be hard to fill here at the Goliard since at times his was the only cubicle light that burned in the newsroom. He would sit for hours staring at a blank page before eventually coming up with words to describe such movies as "40 days and 40 nights" (better to catch forty winks) or "" ( Other's on the staff would see him pacing about the grounds at odd hours, identifiable only by the cherry end and stench of his cigar, and had speculated of late that perhaps the pressure of being Tucson's most famous moviegoer was starting to get to him. Perhaps, given the increased amount of crap that is passing for movies these days, the self imposed burden of feeling like he had to sit through and review every film, good or bad, that rolled into town, was starting to break his will. Or perhaps he felt that he had manned his post for a solid year and that was long enough. It was time to move on to other, more erudite pursuits and leave the rabid movie going to the wayward teenagers and retirees that were often his only companions at the early pre noon of some formulaic "chick flick". Maybe it was simply time for the Movie Man to hobble gracefully into one of Tucson's famous sunsets.

Maybe, but we have our doubts. Some have suggested that something a little more sinister may have occurred and we have assigned our best remaining reporters to the investigation. We'll let you know what we dig up. In the meantime, suffice it to say that the Atwaters are likely involved and we do not expect the Movie Man to return in his former capacity anytime soon. Although we remain unclear on most of the details, staffers seem convinced of the following facts.

1 - The Movie Man is likely in the company of Mrs. Atwater. 
2 - Both are presently unaccounted for and remain at large.
3 - Mr. Atwater has suddenly reappeared and, although visibly shaken, has offered to review movies for the Goliard.

At the most recent staff gathering, which is the last time both the Movie Man and Mrs. Atwater were seen, everything, as they say, seemed peaches and cream (although under closer inspection, the cream may have been starting to turn). The Atwaters, in their latest mutation, attended the function and despite arriving separately and not speaking to one another directly at any time during the evening, still claimed to live and work together in various and ever changing eastern cities. As the night wore on, and the libations flowed, the Atwaters story began to come apart at the seams. The male, who at this point was showing no visible signs of arousal, arrived early and when asked what he had been up to lately claimed at first to be serving as a college professor in Rochester, New York. Soon after however, he let it slip that he had been teaching grade school in Buffalo. He later was overheard talking loudly about a job he was pursuing at Northern Illinois Teacher's College and then claimed to be opening a restaurant somewhere "out west". And before the night was done, he was offering to be the new Movie Man. And this was well before we even realized that the old Movie Man would be gone by sun up. Coincidence? Staffers think not.

Mrs. Atwater, looking disarmingly stunning as usual, arrived later on the arm of mysterious bespectacled fellow with a German accent who brought her to the door and said his goodbyes before anybody had a chance to catch his name. He told a brief story of plans to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon in order to get married among only those that were fit enough to make such a climb but didn't elaborate and was gone before any on the staff was able to crack the code and determine what he might have been getting at. Some staffers are speculating now that he was speaking of a new reality TV show but others are of the opinion that he was trying to tip us off to the impending shenanigans. We have dispatched a team to the North Rim on the outside chance that the couple might be found there hiking or honeymooning. In any event, Mrs. Atwater had arrived that night and, after pouring herself a pint of straight Jamaican Dark Rum, proceeded to ignore her supposed, and now obviously aroused husband, and affixed her gaze and charms upon the hapless Movie Man (see picture at right).

To make a long story short, it wasn't long before the Movie Man and the female agent had adjourned to the chiminea outside where staffers remember them conversing in hushed tones. Others tried to approach the fire since it was a cold evening but were made uncomfortable by the fact that they were obviously interrupting some type of impassioned discussion. Eventually however, levity could be observed in their mannerisms as if something had been decided. And very soon thereafter, Mrs. Atwater had donned a saucy hat and called over the Mr, only to begin undressing him verbally and gesticulating wildly in a way that staffers think was meant to demonstrate how fed up she was with her alleged husband. During the entire tirade, a bemused and smug Movie Man stood protectively just aft of her chair. 

And now the Movie Man and the agent are gone. And since Mr. Atwater is still here and has (a little too conveniently some think) offered to take on the task of reviewing films for the Goliard, you can rest assured that you have not heard the end of this story. Was the whole thing staged by the two of them to off the Movie Man and finally get Mr. Atwater a respectable job? Will she reappear in a few days after she has disposed of his gnarled corpse to collect her lesser half and once again leave to claim a facade on the eastern seaboard? Are the Movie Man and Mrs. Atwater living somewhere in blissful sin as Mr. Atwater strives to fill in at his ex supposed wife's new lovers old post? At this point we don't know the answer to these questions but you can bet we will find them out. And when we do, you will as well.

Archive of MovieMan Movie Reviews


Movie Man's Top and Bottom Five for 2001

Movie Man's Top and Bottom Ten for 2002


Copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved.