the Goliard
April, 2002


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Letter to Playboy Magazine - 3/31/2002

Hey Hef,

I thought you were putting out a magazine promising "Entertainment for MEN!?!" 

Well, actually we can't tell from this month's cover if that's still your policy because the MEN part of the phrase is hidden behind fitness bimbo Kiana Tom's head. Maybe it says "Entertainment for Freshmen Girls" OK wait, there it is right on the spine - Men. Then we seem to have a problem. 

Your May cover (and by the way who started this thing where we get an issue that says May on it delivered in March? It doesn't add up. If it is May then it is well into the baseball season and your preseason picks are worthless, picks which, by the way, were apparently written in February since they allude to Red Sox manager Joe Kerrigan who hasn't been around since early March and will have been jobless for three months by May.)

Anyway, about the Men thing. Men do not watch MTV. And if they do, they most certainly do not watch Road Rules or Real World. Why then would you choose to feature naked girls from the two shows? The pictorial is terrible and all gussied up in bright pastel colors which are painful for men to behold. We were skimming through the movie reviews and "Living Online" columns when we stumbled across it and had to slam the magazine down on the back of the toilet. 

Not that we look at the pictures all that closely anymore anyway after the fiftieth identical blonde silicon project you've trotted out in a row. How about mixing in some ethnicity or anything other than the latest collagen queen nobody but you can tell apart from Pamela Anderson. Just because you have a tireless taste for life sized Barbies doesn't mean that other men wouldn't appreciate a little diversity or variation in body type. You are slipping downhill my friend. Washed up teenie bop singers trying to revamp their careers by showing off the work of their plastic surgeon and semi attractive ditzes from various reality TV shows are not enough to sustain a men's magazine these days. Keep in mind, you are competing with the Internet now where nudity is rampant and mistyping a search for road directions can suddenly bring you pictures of Jennifer Connelly and Anna Kournikova in the buff. 

Granted many of the photos may not be real but the distinction escapes us since neither are most of your girls. Whether the work is done on the computer screen with Photoshop or on the operating table with scalpels just doesn't matter any more to the average Joe. Get with the times and remember who your audience is. And could you please, please stop regaling readers with tales of the seven blondes that share your bed. From looking at you lately there isn't enough Viagra in LA to keep that fantasy going. Come on Hef, you've had a great and illustrious life. Show a little pride.


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