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Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family and I would like to ask you to  assist me. I'm going to walk across the USA border into Mexico, and I need to make some arrangements. I know you can help with this so please accomplish the following, all on my behalf: 

I plan to skip all the legal paperwork like visas, passports, immigration  quotas and laws. I'm hoping they handle those things the same way you do over here. So would you mind telling your buddy El President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over?  Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:   
 
1. Free medical care for my entire family.    
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need,  whether I use them or not.    
3. Government forms printed in English.    
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking  teachers.    
5. Schools need to include classes on American  culture and history, and  the school children need to be made aware of racial/ethnic sensitivity.  
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on  the top of the flag  pole at their school, with the Mexican flag flying lower down.    
7. Feed my kids at school for breakfast and lunch.    
8. A Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government  services.    
9. I do not plan on getting car insurance, and don't care to learn the  traffic laws.    
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers  speak English.    
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on  my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want complaints or negative comments from the locals.    
12. A nice job without paying any taxes, and slack up on the labor  laws and tax laws while you're at it.    
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and  never say a critical word about me, or about the  strain I might place on their at-risk economy.    

I know this will be an easy task because you already allow all these things for the people who are routinely smuggled into the  U.S. from Mexico. I am sure Pres. Fox would 'return the favor' (if you  ask him nicely).  However, if he gives you any trouble just have him  go quail hunting with Dick Cheney.     

Thank you so much for your assistance and God be with you!

Dick Ignoramus

Counterpoint Letter