the Goliard
April, 2002


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Letter to the Department of Campus Recreation - 5/7/2002

Dear Campus Recreation,

Will you please do something about the chronic masturbator who's been using the campus pool as his personal peep show. Nearly every weekday at around ten a.m. he comes slinking and blinking out into the sunlight, surveys the deck to get a beat on where the girls are lying out, and proceeds to stroll over and set his towel on a chair directly behind them. He then jumps in the water, swims about one lap, and returns to his chair where he drapes himself with a large (usually blue) towel, puts on sun glasses, and commences tossing off. Often the girl will turn over and notice the lone man sitting so close in the vast expanse of chairs and he will grow uncomfortable and move to another area of the pool to begin processing another victim. Since there are normally limited numbers of sunbathers out at this time, it is so obvious what he is doing that we can't believe the lifeguards don't notice. On the other hand, since they most likely make minimum wage, perhaps they do notice and just don't want to deal with it. Frankly, we don't blame them.

Another one of his tricks, one that we lap swimmers find most objectionable, is to hop into a lane that ends near where someone is lying out, put one arm on the deck and do his business underwater. Countless times now, we've been about to perform a kick turn, when out of the corner of our eye we notice someone pumping their shorts. If no bathers are available around the pool edge, we've seen him perch right under the lifeguard stand and self gratify while looking up at the Campus Rec employee through his aviator sun glasses.

It's not only what he's doing that is distasteful and troublesome but the audacity he shows while doing it. He may be basically harmless and the argument could be made we suppose that turning a blind eye to this behavior may be protecting someone down the road if he is forced to seek gratification elsewhere. Regardless, we think that the current behavior should be stopped before he is caught by one of the young women who decides that such blatant onanism is something worth making a big deal about. We have observed this behavior for at least the last three years and we're sure Campus Rec doesn't need the kind of publicity that will ensue when he is inevitably caught, especially if others come forward and report that he's been a fixture at the pool since their freshman year.

He is a fortyish man, very slight and slender, who usually wears black trunks, has medium length brown hair and is excessively squirrelly when you look at him closely. Anyone watching from above could tell what he is up to even if they can't make out the gory details that those of us down below have to deal with. He also closes the curtains around himself and appears to be masturbating in the shower as well but that is another matter.



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