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Tornado
Alley
serious
serialized fiction
by Joe Souza
 Days
Four and Five - We travel throughout the
rain-swept night. The sound of the van's
windshield wipers lull me to sleep and every so
often I jump up to the sound of stereophonic
thunder and catch split-second glimpses of the
low-level plains in the crackling illumination.
Except for a quick stop at the drive-through at
Wintburgers we continue on. The conversion van is
now traveling at a speed of one hundred and
fifteen miles per hour. The sky is roiling in
agitation and clouds are racing above us in
fast-forwarded motion. The radio has been turned
onto a gospel station but only static crackles
over the airways. Frank says that lightning causes
static and that listening for such static helps
track down potent storms. Frank says that every
gospel station worth their salt provides him with
reliable static. Frank jokes that this must
obviously be a sign from above.
Read more of Tornado Alley
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Health
and Fitness |
 Men's
Health advice from The Goliard Online
Most men, if they are like the men of the Goliard, need to
take better care of themselves. Evidence is mounting that men
are not masturbating enough, getting enough selenium,
ingesting enough free radicals, mixing in enough flax seed, or
downing enough drinks replete with flavonoids to help keep
their arteries clear by preventing platelets from clumping
together. Men are also swilling way too many cans of lite beer
and Yoo-hoo when they could be guzzling V-8, Bloody Marias,
and Clamato and thereby getting the benefits from the lycopene
in the leached tomatoes which prevents the harmful buildup of
cholesterol on artery walls. Additionally, men might also
consider sloshing down an extra goblet or two of Chilean
cabernet sauvignon which is 38 percent higher than its French
counterparts in antioxidant flavonols and tannic acid gas
generation. However, men must keep in mind that in the pursuit
of complete health, they would do well to increase there
intake of ale and lager since a Boston study of 38,000 men
found that men who consume alcoholic drinks containing hops
and malt, three or four times a week have a 32 percent lower
risk of heart attack than men who swill a single can of Bud
Ice less than once a week. It's also a good idea for men to
pour home as much cranberry juice as possible now that
University of Scranton scientists have noticed that volunteers
who drank three 8-ounce glasses a day for a month increased
their HDL-cholesterol levels by 10 percent. And since an
American Scalp Association study found that a couple men who
sipped 2 cups of tea a day were 25 percent less likely to die
in industrial accidents, men should be making sure that a few
cups of Earl Grey becomes part of their day. Also dropping
some Siberian ginseng in one of the eight glasses of water
recommended by the Swedish Nurses Association is purported to
be an erection booster of which the red Korean kind has
actually helped guys defy gravity and participate in sexual
workouts with some of the nurses involved in the study that
left them thirsty and craving black currant juice which was
then determined to help prevent kidney stones. German
researchers also learned that white currant juice can increase
the pH level of male urine and a survey of Austrian mill
workers determined that downing two mugs of pureed kale daily
may just fight off hemorrhoids. Andy Dunhill, a guy from
Cleveland also reports that chewing stalks of celery chock
full of androstenone and androstenol, which are two pheromones
that can help men attract women subliminally by releasing odor
molecules into men's mouth which subsequently travel down the
back of their throats and help boost arousal. This turns men
on which in turn causes their glands to emit scents and
signals that make them more desirable to women on a sudorific
level.
Read
More
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Staff
Lists
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Shite
List
Jay Kernis
- Public Shite Head # One
Offense
- Replacing Bob Edwards on Morning Edition
Shite
list is a new feature of the Goliard where staff members and readers
alike may post names of people who have either committed some
egregious act against them personally which is deserving of public
mention, or are public figures which have fallen out of favor to the
point where a feature story cataloging their offenses is in the
works but is not yet complete and a brief preview is needed. It can
be seen both as a public forum for publishing names (and pictures if
available) of offenders and a preview of more in depth vitriolic
writings to come. Offenses can range from being the guy who drives
too fast in a school zone to being George Bush. We'll see how it
goes.
Read
more about this Shitehead
What
can you do?
Sign
Bob Edwards Petition here
Relive
Bob's best moments with NPR here
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