the Goliard
February, 2002


the Goliard
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A Correspondence

[Communiqué Sequence]

Epistle One


I was writing a long missive to you recently when my boss caught wind and was forced to discipline me. It seems that while passing behind my office, unnoticed by me, he spotted the word "rectum" on my monitor screen. After tapping me on the shoulder and wondering aloud what such writings could possibly have to do with the business specifically important to our division, he sent me home for the day to think about "my use of company resources". The letter containing the sphincter reference, which I had so looked forward to sending you, was subsequently deleted with haste in the ensuing panic of his reprimand and therefore is lost to us forever. This is not an excuse for not answering your last note sooner but rather a traumatic event that I'm sharing with you. By the way, I rectified the situation by returning to my dwelling and eventually arranging to utilize home resources for company business, i.e. using my own gas to drive down town and drop off some urine samples at a clinic for a co-worker. My conscience is now clear.

I was also hoping that you might clear up a matter for me involving erections in and around your home town. Your sister claims that while in high school, she "noticed there were erections near by at times but chose to ignore them" In my high school, there were always girls trying to get closer looks at your member and pawing at your zipper. I'm interested in the demographics and social mores this suggests and what we can learn from the discrepancies in the two experiences.

We hosted a dinner party last night and the wife of course made ratatouille (sic) again. It was well received along with a salad containing some form of dark, sour roughage (perhaps Swiss chard) and garlic bread. The guests were rather boring so I amused myself by drinking three bottles of wine and making inappropriate comments to one of the mothers present. At one point I leaned to her and muttered under my breath "You're no virgin" The puppies were in rare form roughhousing and tearing up magazines. They are around thirty pounds each now and getting very bold and destructive with their chewing. After reading a puppy care book that advised to mix cayenne pepper and olive oil and rub it on all the things you don't want them to chew I did so only to find that they loved the concoction and immediately did twice as much damage as before lapping and gnawing furiously at the slathered furniture and crockery.

Alas I must go for the time draws nigh,





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